Strong

So over the past few months, the same thought has gone through my mind numerous times. Society demands of us to be resilient, be act strong, to feign a smile and go through our daily tasks with no signs of weakness but the truth is that the bane of humanity is vulnerability, mortality and internal struggle - it is what makes us weak primitive creatures but also what makes us so beautifully strong.

This story really starts with my stepfather's uncle passing away. He was by all means a feat of life itself, a medical miracle in saying that he lived to a pretty rip age despite smoking decks a day since he was 14, and drinking god knows how much until finally this all caught up with him in the form of kidney failure and lung damage. On dialysis three times a week, he kept kicking along for years until finally everything got the better of him. I don't know why this particular death hit me so hard but it did. I mean I barely knew the guy outside brief encounters every holiday I would return back to Sydney and of course the family get-togethers like Easter and Christmas. Somehow though, after hearing about my stepfather's emotional morning after hearing the bad news, I was listening to London Grammar and I just could not keep my composure. In that moment I had realised the power of that beautiful song - of the intensity of having to put on a facade every moment in society - to act strong, perhaps even feeling like this is true but then realising that we are but mortal creatures - that biology will eventually have its way and that eventually we all will die. Of course, this was not the first funeral in my life but for some reason, it was the first that I suppose, mattered - others had been of people that didn't seem to impact me, of people who I barely knew or talked to, or of people who had disliked me. As well perhaps, this could be the first time I was mature enough to comprehend the full grief of the situation. And so I talked up there on the stand explaining to the crowd and myself what this death meant. It represented how strong humans like to be and are at times - how Uncle had somehow survived so long still smoking - how he would right after every dialysis session at the hospital which took hours long, he would light one up as soon as he was outside front door. He would always be smiling every time I talked to him in his smoky room with his favourite serials turned up real loud due to industrial deafness as well as old age. The death also represented how fragile humans are as well - that eventually it took its toll and how despite putting on that smile every time I saw him, that positive energy he would have always, that he was undeniably slowly dying away.

Even on a more general level, society demands of its fellow people to be composed - breaking down in the middle of a public place is considered awkward and just strange and even letting your other emotions such as frustration or anger, be seen by public is seen as weak, or undesirable. Every second of our life while we are outside in the world we are expected to put on this face that somehow everything is alright, that we have our shit together. The truth is, at least for me, while it may look like I have my shit together - my course, my balancing of work play and social lives, all the stuff that I happen to fit in my schedule, I actually don't have my shit together. I personally don't think anyone does - but it seems that when somehow expresses so not in private, it happens to be a melt-down, or a mental illness. I am not suggesting that we change the status quo because quite simply society would not function if everyone stopped pretending they had everything together. No, I am simply saying that it is over the past few months that I have realised more and more so how humans would love to think of ourselves as strong, logical, innovative and all-mighty humans rather than the fact that even at the anatomical level, we have a emotional, automatic and primitive part to our brain that makes us at the same time, basic animals with basic needs.

It seems now more than ever, every time I like to think I am okay, the sad truth is that at times, I am most definitely not but I realise such weakness should not be dismissed or stigmatised as a bad thing - rather it is the basis of human existence. It is what establishes relationships and that my friends are and always have been what I turn to whenever I just can't put that facade on for the world and words cannot describe how grateful I am for that.

Maintaining my diminishing strength for the upcoming examination so bye.