Fleeting Moments

The truth of the matter is that I have been once again wanting to write in this for a long time now but have not been compelled enough to actually do it. Often the theme of my life seems to be that I always only write in here when some major event happens, often a sad one rather than a good one and it probably has something to do with how I cherish great fleeting moments by being well totally ignorant of everything else.

A phrase that hit me earlier this year and that stayed on my mind the entire morning, and especially in a workshop on palliative care was "fleeting moments" - like the Krewella song Alive - "let's make this fleeting moment last forever". Now while the song itself is not a good reflection of the elegance of the phrase in my mind, it still portrays one aspect of what the phrase means to me. I have always loved the image of a fading youth: the bittersweet desperation of holding on to the sunset of another summer's day, and I have loved it ever since that last summer of high school, "the summer" before we all departed to different fields in university. I latch on to the idea that soon the monster of maturity and responsibility will overcome our lives and there will be nothing left but 9-5 monotony and serious long-term romantic partnerships with children and then even more responsibility. All of that feels like a deep, dark spiral to which once you begin entering, there will be no return. And so, I have at least said I would try this year, to hold on to whatever youth remains in me, turn my back on the institution of having to grow up and gain these responsibilities, and run towards whatever sun remains. But it feels like I am fighting a losing war.

I am probably describing how many people at this age feel - growing pains has probably existed as a concept since the dawn of adolescent psychology, and I hope all of this is a natural part of what it means to grow up - to get away from the ignorance and innocence of what it means to be a child, and the reality of being someone who can understand more so the world around them. It just feels so powerful right now, there is so much emotion into the ideal that it feels more than just some mere scientific/pseudoscientific explanation of how humans are when they grow up - it feels like there's something more here than any bit of knowledge can tell me about it.

Those two words just bring an entire wave of a feeling almost like anxiety, desperation and fear. But they also bring upon countless other more positive ideas including one that I had explained to my friend while walking on a hike for his 21st birthday (one that I made up on the spot without much thought but seemed to make sense) - that fleeting is a present participle, the word itself has no past or future tense, but only a present. That every moment is now, in only this very moment, slowly fleeting. Such a concept provokes such a drive to do things - to not think so much and simply have action, to put yourself out there, to act stupid and participate in all the things that are so stereotypically associated with younger people. That is how I intend to interpret the phrase and while I know it probably is not healthy, I will take it as a phrase that means stop making so many plans, and take some risks in life. I always overthink things and try my best to plan most details out but sometimes it might be worthwhile to just do things without much thought if you believe them to be what you desire even without reason.

I have the same routine when it comes to decision making - I always like shifting the blame or responsibility to other people. Lines like "it was you who made me do it, or I will only do this or that if you do it" are something that I feel have become a coping mechanism, a way of ridding myself of another responsibility but I think it's time to take responsibility finally, and deal with all that comes with it as well. Therein lies the present contradiction facing me - in order to capture a fleeting moment, I will have to take up all the responsibility of travelling alone to a foreign country. And so, in order to escape responsibility and growing up, I will have to grow up and take responsibility. Man, all these contradictory thoughts are really doing my head in.

Trying to even understand myself so bye. P.S. How fitting for an 100th post.