So it's hard to believe that just a week has passed so far since i moved interstate to chase my dream and well, i suppose i have already changed a lot - i mean i have met more people in my last week than i have for six years but such a move does demand such a shift in outlooks. Pretty much, i have decided that clubbing and partying is definitely not my thing, that women are very mean when they try to be, i'm a socially awkward turtle a lot of the time and that it takes a lot of effort to retain friends. Now with my entire week pretty much recounted in a nutshell, we can move on to something i suppose i should explain - the reasons why i actually want to take up a profession that kills your life as you spend every hour studying or working, i should explain why i want to become a doctor.
So i feel the reason that i couldn't stay in my home state for Medicine was largely because i failed the interviews that they offered as part of their selection criteria - and the reason for this was because i too, was uncertain of why i actually wanted to become a doctor. A lot of my interests and hobbies seemed inclined with the humanities side of knowledge and understanding of the universe rather than the scientific method. I mean, in true stereotypical fashion, all Asian parents normally expect or desire for their children to either become lawyers or doctors. This could be said the same for South-Asian (Indian, etc) children as just the other day, i heard of a boy whom achieved a substantial scholarship for Engineering, his passion, but also received an offer for medicine interstate and was bullied by relatives to take the medicine offer rather than chasing his goals. It is not uncommon for many to be pushed along by parents into choosing a pathway into medicine and for me, i suppose my mum has never pushed me that rigorously and by the end, actually tried to convince me that i was not cut out for medicine, and throughout the entire journey that i did not have the academic ability to achieve medicine. And so, in reverse psychology fashion, i became even more determined to prove her wrong. My family have been teachers over the years, and my mum also had dreams of being a doctor, but unfortunately was not accepted. You could say that my family was "low-mach" - a term referring to the Machiavellian scale where a "low-mach" were more inclined to be generous and self-less, and have more desirable traits associated with teachers or doctors, whereas "high-mach" people are more selfish and deceiving, and businessman and lawyers fit more into this category of people. In any case, it was strange because a lot of the time i would actually consider myself quite "high-mach" and often my mum would comment that i was a lot like my biological father, whom left us and never supported us, so it was quite insulting she would think so, and scary that i would end up like him because i had always aimed never to be like him. So that's the parental influence out of the way so now we can move on to other influences.
I mean the most common reason you will hear about why people want to become doctors is because they want to help people but inevitably, are you not helping people if you are a garbage cleaner or a policeman or a teacher or even a lawyer? You are cleaning the world to make it more appealing for people, you are protecting people from bad people who break laws, you are teaching a new generation of bright people and you are protecting people from the burdens of the legal system. Why then, would you choose medicine over any of the other professions since unless you are just sitting home doing nothing, chances are the job you do is benefiting people somehow. Then comes the argument that medicine is the most direct way of helping people because you are having a first-hand role in saving people from the hardships of disease and trauma of bad health. Then again, why not become a medical researcher or pharmacist - both of which who create drugs that actually are the first-hand roles in helping disease, rather than just someone who prescribes such drugs? A lot of the reason most people actually do medicine is for the job security - the decent pay with guaranteed employment. So then, why not do dentistry? Well, actually a lot of people do choose this pathway because it is an easy job with regular hours and extremely good pay. The truth is a lot of these reasons contribute to the reasons why i want to become a doctor. Don't get me wrong that any of these reasons are not legitimate reasons, it's just personally i believe that there are far better reasons for me why i want to become a doctor.
A lot of the reason i want to be a doctor is actually extremely selfish - i have always thought i was the best, the greatest thing to walk this Earth, and honestly, it took a lot of failed examinations and other failures in my high school to realise that i am simply an exceptionally average man - a point my mum continues to stress and now, after growing up, i realise that such is true. However, my ego continues to want to believe that such a fact is simply a facade and in reality, i am the best. And so, what occupations are considered the "best" - one of them would definitely have to be doctors. Their status is society is extremely high, and there is a lot of admiration and respect for them, and so, selfishly, i too want this status as the best. This is why i also want to specialise and be the best in my field because i want no question that i am the goddamn best. Yes, it sounds arrogant and cocky but this is a major reason why i want to be a doctor. The thing is that if you're not the best, slip-ups and mistakes will happen, and someone's life is on the line so inevitably, you have to be the best and i want to be the best because when i'm the best, i save lives.
The biggest reason though has to be one of my best friend's ideas known as the "Anti-Hero". If you ever read or watch Harry Potter (spoiler's alert) you will find out at the end that Severus Snape, a person who was always thought to be evil throughout the book was actually the greatest hero but had to retain his evil status just so he can accomplish his righteous goals. That is the fundamental ideal of the Anti-Hero. If you watch Scrubs, a comedy-drama show about working in hospital that is a big influence in my decision, you will see characters whom embody this idea of the Anti-Hero. One of them is Bob Kelso, the chief of medicine who is considered the antagonist for a long time, the person who cuts corners with money and only allows rich people with medical insurance receive treatment while deserving people must sneak around the system without Kelso knowing to get treated. The boss is universally hated by everyone and blamed for every little thing that goes wrong and in a particular scene, the main character comments on his cheerful whistling every time he steps out of the hospital - as though all the lives the hospital takes care of are meaningless. But, you find out he doesn't whistle unless other people are around just so people think he is heartless so they can blame their problems on him. This is the ultimate Anti-Hero - the person who takes the burdens of everyone around them by being a hugely insensitive jackass without anyone actually knowing they are doing this because they care the most. And so, in my eyes, doctors are the biggest Anti-Heroes in society. Sure, they may have the title and a decent salary, but the community will never realise how much they go through on a daily basis. To go into a hospital, save a few lives, then walk out and become a family man, as though nothing happened is truly an embodiment of this ideal me and my good friend love. But that's on a good day - on other days, to go in and try the best you can and lose that one life, even though you saved many others. To go through the denial, to go through the rigorous cross-checking and realising that smallest mistake that no-one could've picked up but you still think: "that was my fault, that was the one thing i should've seen and if i did, this person would've been alive". To put that burden on yourself so that no-one else has to - to be the person who goes to the family and explains what happens - to be the person the family will blame for that death. That is why i want to be a doctor, not because i want to bear the burden, but so that no-one else has to. Because there is so much self-satisfaction in living the ideal that i have built up so much in my head - to become the Anti-Hero.
Sorry for the long post but i suppose i just wanted to write down in a half legible way the motives behind my decision to move interstate to chase my dream. So with six years of study, two years of hospital and then post-graduate training to specialisation taking up to five years, and a lifetime of learning up ahead, i hope, no i know my reasons for picking this career are enough to keep me going regardless of what life throws at me. I basically gave it all up - my friends, my girlfriend, my family, my home, my job, my routine, my entire sense of security for this, and still came out hopeful for the future because this dream is becoming a reality, and few people get to live their dreams.
Trying to get ready for first day of university tomorrow so bye.
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